Sunday, June 17, 2012

Real Women VS Martha Stewart

  • Martha's way #1
  • Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch with your feet up anyway.
  • Martha's way #2:
  • To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
  • Martha's way #3:
  • When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
  • Martha's way #4:
  • If you accidentally over-salt a dish while cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Woman's motto: I made it and you will eat it.
  • Martha's way #5:
  • Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
  • Martha's way #6:
  • Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't do it.
  • Martha's way #7:
  • Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • 1 1/2 oz. vodka plus one quarter of a lime mixed with tonic and taken hourly makes more than just those throbbing headaches go away. It will improve your entire outlook on life.
  • Martha's way #8:
  • If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • Go ask the good looking neighbor to do it.
    • And finally the most important tip...
  • Martha's way #9:
  • Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
    • The Real Woman's Way:
    • Leftover wine????

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Bottle Top Snake


  • Bottle tops
  • Hammer
  • Piece of wood
  • 2 Corks 
  • String
  • Large nail
  • Pair of scissors
  • Glue
  • Paint
  • Paint brush
  • Piece of red felt

Adult supervision is required when making the holes through the bottle tops.

Method for Recycled Crafts:

  • Hammer a nail through the end of a piece of wood.

  • Use this wood to help position the nail in the center of the bottle tops.

  • Hit the nail on its head with the hammer. This will prevent fingers from being hurt.

  • Adult supervision is recommended for this task.

  • Make a knot at one end of the piece of string.

  • Now start threading the bottle tops through the string. Make sure the tops are all facing the same way.

  • You would probably need about 50 - 70 bottle tops to make a long snake.

  • Once you have threaded through all the bottle tops make another knot, so that the tops won't come off.

  • Cut the remaining piece of string.

  • Paint the corks green or whatever color you would like your snake to be. These corks will be the head and tail of your snake.

  • Using the glue, attach one of the corks to the end of the string of bottle tops.

  • Glue it onto the last top.

  • Now glue the other cork onto the other end. This will be your snakes head.

  • Add two spots for the eyes.

  • Cut a small piece of felt into the shape of a snake's tongue and press it into the cork with the point of the nail.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Only in America......

This just proves how stupid people can be:

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

5. Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

7. Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8.Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning "bloodsucking creatures"

10. Only in they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering. did not notice that #6 was missing.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( but that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar o f Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to.....what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a newsflash)

On Japanese knife: "Keep out of children." (Wow, that never occured to me.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

And this is why the Human Race will be Doomed!!
-not by me